you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
