Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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