Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
