I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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