I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
