Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
God, I missed his penis.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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