Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
