Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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