I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
