I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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