I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
