when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
