My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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