You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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