i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
