I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
