Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
