We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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