im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
