I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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