I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
