Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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