Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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