Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
