btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
