Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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