theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
