also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
