I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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