just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
