We got so high we made milksteak
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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