my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
