life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
