I wish my penis had an off switch
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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