Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My ass is underappreciated
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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