He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
