i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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