You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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