Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
