Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
