Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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