u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
