The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
