if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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