Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
