Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
