So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
