you turned your livingroom into a bong?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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