Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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