OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
