If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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