And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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