is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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